Women vs. Men

In this post I want to talk about something that is a bit personal to me. It's also something I've struggled with since I can remember...

My parents divorced when I was three years old (no, this isn't a sob story about my parent being divorced!). My Dad recieved full custody of me and my brother for various reason. I saw my Mom here and there but she definitely wasn't around regularly, nor could I rely on her for anything because she didn't have custody of us... Now let me make this clear before I get into this; I have a good relationship with my Mum now, I had to get over a lot and forgive a lot from things passed.. I have and I love my Mum and do not want to dishonor her in any way, but I do have tell you my feelings when I was younger to get my point across. Now that we have that established that, let me get back to the point... So, my Dad raised me; it was just my Dad, my brother and me for nine years together. Coincidently I ended up feeling more comfortable around boys and men than girls and women. Plus, as I got older I had trust issues with women because of my Mum, I felt she didn't want us and didn't want to be involved in our lives. I felt like she ran away from her reponsibilty... Once I turned 12 my Dad married again, she was our Step Mother for eight years. So, all through my junior high and high school years she was around. We were close in some instances but she already had two kids of her own so she never came too close, if you can understand that. Now the other part of this story is when I became a Christian-- before I was a Christian I had a few very close girlfriends. I did everything with these girls and we went through a lot together. Once I became a Christian (when I was 15) our relationships changed. We still stayed friends but I had different morals then they did and there were certain things I wouldn't do or say. So, my weekends became filled with work instead of spending time with my friends because I didn't party, etc. I'm not trying to sound like a saint or better than them, I'm just explaining that we had different priorities and motives in things. My life was starting to become very lonely.. And once I graduated and moved to Lewiston I didn't hear from anyone back at home. The whole summer after high school I spent my time at work or with my brother. All the girls that had been in my life were gone. I felt very alone and spent my time praying for some real friends.. God answered my prayers by putting me in a church that had a good sized 'college group', but I unfortunetly only answered His gift half way.. I have met some amazing girls that are apart of that college group at my home church but sadly I was so afraid of getting close to girls again, thinking they would all leave, I kept them at an arms length away. I had been hurt by so many fickle women before that I felt that if I didn't get too close then I couldn't get hurt-- but then I just ended up hurting myself because of it. To put the cherry on top of it all, in 2010, right when I was getting married my Dad and Step Mom were going through a divorce. I haven't seen her since my wedding day. I wasn't all that surprised and honestly, not that hurt because parts of my heart are so closed and cold that sometimes they just don't even feel...and let me just say that I am NOT proud of that last statement. It's not a good place to be, I'd rather cry my eyes out for weeks than not feel anything. I want to wear my heart on my sleeve and not hide it in a lead box, buried under ten feet of dirt, but sadly that's where it's ended up...at least in this area of life.

So, the real point of of this post is not to point fingers at those who have wronged me but to look in the mirror at myself and say to anyone who wants to hear: I am a bad friend. I don't know how to be a good friend, not because of a lack of effort but because of a lack of heart. I hate the fact that I can carry on a conversation with the guys I have in my life for hours and can hardly have a conversation with ANY of the girls I know, including my Mum and sisters-in-law. I hate the fact that the only conversations I have with women at church here in Lewiston or in Kamiah or anywhere else are the generic conversations about what's going on in life and the weather. What I truly want and long for with the gals in my life is deep conversations, phone calls just to say hi, sharing: stories,struggles, heart aches, joys, even conversations about nothing that we can laugh at later! I want to be able to hold a girlfriends hand like sisters do and not feel afraid that she feels awkward or uncomfortable. I want to be able to call a girlfriend up bawling about nothing, just because I'm sad and vice versa! I want to be able to go shopping with a girlfriend and try on ridiculous outfits just because we want to! *Sigh* but I am too afraid to offer any of that because I'm afraid of rejection. And I just don't know how to share my heart... I don't know how to not hold someone at an arms length away. So, for anyone gal who reads this I just want to say I'm sorry. I don't know how to be a friend anymore and I see and understand why you wouldn't want me as a close friend. I pray to God that He can teach me to open up my heart to the women around me and teach me to be a good friend again... Please pray for me.

Yours Truly,
Tessa O.