Women vs. Men

In this post I want to talk about something that is a bit personal to me. It's also something I've struggled with since I can remember...

My parents divorced when I was three years old (no, this isn't a sob story about my parent being divorced!). My Dad recieved full custody of me and my brother for various reason. I saw my Mom here and there but she definitely wasn't around regularly, nor could I rely on her for anything because she didn't have custody of us... Now let me make this clear before I get into this; I have a good relationship with my Mum now, I had to get over a lot and forgive a lot from things passed.. I have and I love my Mum and do not want to dishonor her in any way, but I do have tell you my feelings when I was younger to get my point across. Now that we have that established that, let me get back to the point... So, my Dad raised me; it was just my Dad, my brother and me for nine years together. Coincidently I ended up feeling more comfortable around boys and men than girls and women. Plus, as I got older I had trust issues with women because of my Mum, I felt she didn't want us and didn't want to be involved in our lives. I felt like she ran away from her reponsibilty... Once I turned 12 my Dad married again, she was our Step Mother for eight years. So, all through my junior high and high school years she was around. We were close in some instances but she already had two kids of her own so she never came too close, if you can understand that. Now the other part of this story is when I became a Christian-- before I was a Christian I had a few very close girlfriends. I did everything with these girls and we went through a lot together. Once I became a Christian (when I was 15) our relationships changed. We still stayed friends but I had different morals then they did and there were certain things I wouldn't do or say. So, my weekends became filled with work instead of spending time with my friends because I didn't party, etc. I'm not trying to sound like a saint or better than them, I'm just explaining that we had different priorities and motives in things. My life was starting to become very lonely.. And once I graduated and moved to Lewiston I didn't hear from anyone back at home. The whole summer after high school I spent my time at work or with my brother. All the girls that had been in my life were gone. I felt very alone and spent my time praying for some real friends.. God answered my prayers by putting me in a church that had a good sized 'college group', but I unfortunetly only answered His gift half way.. I have met some amazing girls that are apart of that college group at my home church but sadly I was so afraid of getting close to girls again, thinking they would all leave, I kept them at an arms length away. I had been hurt by so many fickle women before that I felt that if I didn't get too close then I couldn't get hurt-- but then I just ended up hurting myself because of it. To put the cherry on top of it all, in 2010, right when I was getting married my Dad and Step Mom were going through a divorce. I haven't seen her since my wedding day. I wasn't all that surprised and honestly, not that hurt because parts of my heart are so closed and cold that sometimes they just don't even feel...and let me just say that I am NOT proud of that last statement. It's not a good place to be, I'd rather cry my eyes out for weeks than not feel anything. I want to wear my heart on my sleeve and not hide it in a lead box, buried under ten feet of dirt, but sadly that's where it's ended up...at least in this area of life.

So, the real point of of this post is not to point fingers at those who have wronged me but to look in the mirror at myself and say to anyone who wants to hear: I am a bad friend. I don't know how to be a good friend, not because of a lack of effort but because of a lack of heart. I hate the fact that I can carry on a conversation with the guys I have in my life for hours and can hardly have a conversation with ANY of the girls I know, including my Mum and sisters-in-law. I hate the fact that the only conversations I have with women at church here in Lewiston or in Kamiah or anywhere else are the generic conversations about what's going on in life and the weather. What I truly want and long for with the gals in my life is deep conversations, phone calls just to say hi, sharing: stories,struggles, heart aches, joys, even conversations about nothing that we can laugh at later! I want to be able to hold a girlfriends hand like sisters do and not feel afraid that she feels awkward or uncomfortable. I want to be able to call a girlfriend up bawling about nothing, just because I'm sad and vice versa! I want to be able to go shopping with a girlfriend and try on ridiculous outfits just because we want to! *Sigh* but I am too afraid to offer any of that because I'm afraid of rejection. And I just don't know how to share my heart... I don't know how to not hold someone at an arms length away. So, for anyone gal who reads this I just want to say I'm sorry. I don't know how to be a friend anymore and I see and understand why you wouldn't want me as a close friend. I pray to God that He can teach me to open up my heart to the women around me and teach me to be a good friend again... Please pray for me.

Yours Truly,
Tessa O.

[tid-bits]

I've been struggling what to write about for the past two months. You would think that in the past five months something should have sparked my interest enough the was 'worthy' enough for me to sit down and write about it! I guess that's just how life is... I believe everyone could write a book about their life-- I bet most of them would be best sellers, too. But actually sitting down and writing everything, trying to explain everything the way you see and making your point, it can be tricky. Some people were given a gift by God that allows them to be able to write down their words and in a way they turn into an actions in peoples minds. I fear I do not have this gift. I do enjoy writing regardless-- plus, very few people will ever see these documented words! ;)

So-- I have left the question lingering... what am I going to write about today?? Well, I'll let you in on a little secret *whispers* I have no idea!! I just really wanted to write, so I thought I'd just ramble and see what we get! (That's how I cook sometimes!)

The news I have to report on is: the first and most exciting thing is God has granted Lucas and I with one amazing gift and responsibility, I am pregnant (again) and this time the wee-one made it past 8 weeks! I am currently 23 weeks along and the little person is well and kicking (literally!). I have to admit, some woman love being pregnant-- I am not one of those woman! I am thrilled to be carrying a little soul but I do not like gaining weight and I do not like being tired and having mood swings! This too will pass, though. And I think this is one of God's ways of teaching us women that we cannot control everything and that we have to make sacrifices for the greater good. And the hardest thing for me to sacrifice is my figure-- I never realized how vein I was until I started gaining weight and my tummy started growing. It's amazing how much of society has gotten to me-- I have to keep remembering and reminding myself that my worth does not come from how I look or what shirt size I wear. (Keep in mind that I do believe that God gaves us these bodies and we need to take care of them, but weight and eating healthy can be two totally different things).
Other news, I just finished reading a book, it's Elizabeth Elliot's Let Me Be A Woman. It's for any girl and woman in any part life. Elizabeth explains so very well what it means to be a woman-- I have to warn you though, it does not follow todays ideals, beliefs or politically correct terms. It follows strictly God's commands of what our role is as women; some of it may take some getting used to, I know it took me a long time to really open up my mind and heart to them! Today, society sees rules, limitaions and roles as suffocating, lessing and burdensome. And it's easy to view them that way, especially with the ideas of society meshing with the ideas of the churches. Hate to break it to you, but the ideas of society cannot evolve/move with the churches because they stand for two totally different and opposite things, or at least they are suppose to. Anyway, instead of getting on my soapbox let me just highly recommend reading Elizabeth's book and let God do the work, because if God can't convince you then I surely can't!

Well, I think I'm going to have to cut this one short because I have a Rotorooter guy walking about my house and have lost my train of thought for the most part (though, I am glad he is here!) Until next time, have a wonderful week, month or months (depending on how long it takes me to sit down and write again!)